What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 01:51
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was seconnd youngest,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was in good health!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why do women change that much more with age?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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Ive learnt so much.
I waited trembling.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He knew the spot.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Have you ever accidentally seen your mother-in-law doing something that was private to her?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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This is soul school!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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I have no regrets .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When she asked me how she looked .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We were not on the streets..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I write beautiful poetry .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I think the readers, may guess!
I couldn’t, believe it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My family never makes their pension either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It was going to be , some day.
So whats the point in blame.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
All the time i was locked up.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He resisted the act ,that day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What did i know ?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She found it foreign!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But, we were locked up after school.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Who then, do I blame.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I never cut or harmed myself..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was very sick at this time too.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I will be 64.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She married twice! .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was 9 years of age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was scared of men, in general
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im still living with it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I said to her